Never before have relationships been as problematic and conflict ridden as they are now. As you may have noticed, they are not here to make you happy or fulfilled. If you continue to pursue that through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world.
A lot of drama in life is self-created and stems from a deeper pain. Pain in relationships begins with judgment, from an unconscious refusal to move through our own pain. The mind has a compulsive quality which is the compulsion to judge, which then creates conflict, drama and new pain.
When your partner behaves unconsciously, relinquish all judgement - this does not mean to not recognize dysfunction or unconsciousness, but it means being the knowing rather than being the reaction.
If there is anger, know that there is anger. If there is jealousy, defensiveness, the urge to argue, the need to be right, an inner child demanding love and attention, or emotional pain of any kind — whatever it is, know the reality of that moment and hold the knowing. The relationship then becomes your spiritual practice. If you observe unconscious behavior in your partner, hold it in the loving embrace of your knowing so that you won't react.
This creates a clear space of loving presence that allows all things and all people to be as they are. If you practice this, unconsciousness and knowing cannot coexist for long. The energy form that lies behind hostility and attack finds the presence of love absolutely intolerable. If you react at all to your partner's unconsciousness, you become unconscious yourself.
So whenever your relationship is not working, whenever it brings out the "madness" in you and in your partner, be glad. What was unconscious is being brought up to the light. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.
(Selections from Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now, and Relationships Make You Conscious, Not Happy)
